| i catch babies, she says. |
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| 02:43am 05/04/2007 |
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we all have
very humble
beginnings.
exquisite in
their divinity.
and we arrive
wet
to open arms.
and exposure is
the first thing
we experience
but love is second.
we come early
we come late
but sometimes
we get here
on time
when we're expected. |
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| 01:11am 14/02/2007 |
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never ever submit. |
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| so too is exhalation |
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| 05:12pm 25/01/2007 |
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i have been
constructing peace out of nothing.
we get it to give it away. always.
there is no love
except the act of loving.
generosity is anti-capitalist. |
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| from my mom: |
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| 09:14am 27/01/2005 |
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1. Comment with any subject that you would like me to rant on, with possible swearing involved.
2. Watch my journal for your rant.
3. Post this in your own journal, so that you may rant for others.
ALTNERATIVE:
comment if you want me to say nice things about you. |
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| i kill my dinner with karate, kick it in the face. |
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| 10:59am 23/01/2005 |
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sex throws this monkey wrench into all good things. you have a group going, a band, you hang out, you have fun. then crushes start up, so he's watching my ass as i bend over the table, shooting the 9 ball into the corner pocket. this is so stupid. it's all fucked up. leave me alone, just be my friend, please don't put me in this position of awkwardness and bad intent. do i tell her how he acts towards me? do i talk to him? or do i just ignore it? maybe it's misinterpretation, maybe it's exaggeration.
the scene gets all bitchy and there's this weird phenomenon. it makes me wanna get out, go far away or run away or something. fuck this! i can't stand my mind, my heart. it's like, if you don't want people to say anything, you can't do anything. make the right decisions all the time and god forbid you offend anyone. but don't take offense, just sit there and take this shit. well fuck that. should i just leave? but an all ages venue, that's what i want. more than anything. book hip hop, indie, out of town punk.
god who knows.
whether it's this or it's that. he said, she said. he did, she did. i did. no matter what, i'll always do something wrong.
it doesn't matter who booked what, who screwed who, or like husker du, what you wear, how you do your hair, you can argue over that anywhere. |
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| i thought MC Paul Barman could change the game |
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| 03:47pm 16/01/2005 |
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i resent the success of underground artists only if it prohibits them from continuing to play underground venues. when their success results from compromising their roots by joining a major label and jacking up their prices. actually, it's because it instantly becomes harder to book them. i want MC Paul Barman, MC frontalot, MC honky, and Saul williams to come here and play in the IMC.
jesus christ men are disgusting. so far in the past 10 minutes, a table of men sitting a couple tables down from me have checked out me and every other young thin girl who's walked past. i hope one of them says something to me. a little "hey sugar" to set me off a rant and a rage. help me work out some hormonal anger. don't tell me that there's nothing wrong with a little oggling, that misogynistic bullshit don't fly near me. if you can't see what's wrong with treating women like the sum of body parts or not having the decency to be respectful to the people around you, then you must be blind. in which case, you can't really claim to oggle women anyway. oh man, skeezer stop lookin at my tits in this shirt. i could glare down the president, and watch me honey i'm about to. i'm feeling pretty...what's the word... pretty fucking psyched. we're going to bust out the pompoms and the fiest, tell george where to shove his shit.
georgie porgie pudding and pie
everything he says is one big lie
but when the news comes out to play
georgie porgie runs away. |
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| study |
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| 11:55am 16/01/2005 |
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the anti war song
hypocrisy is all around from the buildings tops to the countrys ground
building bombs to drop on civilians, all we are a buncha fucking villians
death makes up our country pillars
americans american are killers
(buy buy buy, kill kill kill, die die die)
how can you be pro life and pro war
what the hell is all this dying for?
women can't control their bodies
soldiers can't decide their fate
you think you've got liberty?
all you've got is fucking hate.
your freedom, my freedom is fake.
(buy..)
what we get is what we take and what we've got we can't appreciate
profit off another's blood
capitalism has caused this flood.
how can we learn from what we've been taught, when all we've learned is what we've bought?
the result of american worker's toil? is just more blood for oil
now that we are at the graveyard of iraq, we're never gonna never gonna be able to get back.
back
(buy..)
bush will keep telling lies and making money off iraqi lives
there's no way to stop this war or make this country worth fighting for
the only thing that we can do is lose the arms and start anew
replace soldiers with aid workers start to help and not to conquer
instead of rebuilding our colonies, we need to remake our ideologies.
buy buy buy kill kill kill die die die.
i don't really know what the line "the result of american worker's toil is just more blood for oil" means. it popped into my head. we have a show on the 29th, feb 11th, and on march 5th. |
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| i got a crush on you buffy, i wanna take you home. |
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| 12:20pm 13/01/2005 |
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so i don't know if you've heard this new little.. this new little album i just put out. it's so funny cause some of the women at righteous babe, well not all of them just some of them that got their panties on a little tight are talking about "now ya fucking wench writin about love and shit" and "is this a conscious move away from overtly political song writing" blahblahblah. and i'm like "no man, i just got, i just got kind of distracted."
i'm writing a love song. for buffy the vampire slayer.
at this point i'm so excited for DC. |
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| if i ever leave this world alive |
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| 11:48am 07/01/2005 |
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mood: mad music: flogging molly
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i've written to date two non academic or political essays. by which i mean essays that were written for my own interests. the first was an essay i had to write out of getting arrested in nashville. in said essay i had to prove that i was really really sorry. sorry the justice system is so ridiculous! the second was an essay i recently wrote for the head of the department of fine arts at parkland. she believes that english composition 106 is not right for my level of emotional maturity, because they deal with sensitive political issues. no amount of "i do this this and this" would sway her, she was scared of my maturity. the only thing that would sway her was me outlining my goals for three pages. basically, written version of this this and this.
both of these pieces have been related somehow to being a minor. the first was an advantage seeing as i didn't have to pay any money or, god forbid, do community service. the latter was an example of how my age dictates and disables me from privileges, education, that i am in reality able to handle.
i'm now beginning to work on a third essay, as per 5 minutes ago. in this essay i'm going to prove to my mother and jpw that travelling to DC to protest bush's inauguration is in my best interest.
when i returned home from miami last november my heart was all a flutter. i was filled with the beauty and rage of a buncha activists hanging out in the streets together. i said "i will be going to the rnc to protest those horrid republicans." when zoe g and company returned home from the rnc, zoe g's heart all a flutter with mono and a desire to smash the state, i said "i will be going to dc to protest those horrid republicans."
i guess we'll find out.
other news in brief:
hillary ran away, apparently. her parents have been over twice to see if she's over here. she's not. the first time parents have been to our house looking for a runaway child and the child hasn't actually been here. in bri's case, she most definitely was here, curled up on the couch while i talked to her father in my underwear.
the SvsC steering meeting last night. if i could sum THAT intense meeting up into two words it would be "the boys, the boys." ahh progressives.
HEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM:
these dramatic interpersonal interworkings leading to banning are tearing the IMC apart. my compassion, though alive and kicking last night, is at an all time low. the inconsistencies between their two stories is alarmingly aggravating. her continued friendly contact and statements like "if he had stayed away from my friends, we'd be hanging out right now" to friends, make me seriously doubt how horribly terrified she is. the fact that claims are being made on the behalf of other women, on account of one other woman, when the other woman has already spoke her piece in defense of S. C's language switch as well sharing of confidential information makes me also doubt her. if it is how i believe, that they both didn't not think through their actions and were purely reactionary to the other. neither acting with pure malicious intent just acting without considering beforehand. if this is the case, it has no business taking up IMC time and thereby causing problems within the organization.
going through with the meeting last night was, in retrospect, a difficult thing to do for me because of who was there. ariel, sally, kim, danielle, among others. so many of my personal hardcore feminist mentors, while i'm there acting as advocate and defending a man wthey perceive as an abuser. if i didn't know the situation, if i didn't know s, i'd be sitting next to them. maybe because of the tension i feel at being in that position, i feel very frustrated with people who aren't involved in the IMC but just show up to main organizational meetings when it's relevent to their issues. not when there is the issue of "oh shit we don't have a building, no more all ages shows."
i don't know for sure. rawr! |
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| "that's just cause i got on the fucking ground" |
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| 01:41pm 06/01/2005 |
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"oh man! did we rock it last night or what"--zoe
"i know that i rocked it, you know rock-in and roll-in"--bri
"you rocked it all night long, baby"--zoe
"and all morning."--bri
"yeah kinda"--zoe
the show last night went awesome. we played an all right set, we fucked up a little. but ONLY a little. i thoroughly enjoyed myself. i think my favorite song is smashing beer bottles because i can't say it without smiling. saying is this the state of things just puts a big old smile on my face. bri did a rockstar wiggle on the floor, and standing up and broke two strings. the second one was on someone else's guitar, at that. everyone got into the chorus on religion is kinda weird cause it's just me and zoe being sing songy and acoustic guitary. my face didn't hurt at all. ("but it was killin me"--miss lust from the peanut gallery) help me help i can't breathe became help me help i can't play your show, so they were replaced by two other bands. i object is by far one of the best bands to come through c-u. however, one of the help me help me band members came down anyway and says he wants to set up a show for us in chicago which made giggle and giggle and thank him a lot. i hope it happens cause that would rock me like a semi truck.
and speaking of trucks, ben just got hit by a truck. he says he's okay but refused to not lift any of the heavy equipment. beth gave me a good luck bracelet, after we already played but it was sweet anyway.
nice things about briana, as per request:
BRI IS AWESOME. SHE IS A WICKED GOOD GUITARIST AND ALL THE LADIES WOULD FALL OVER THEMSELVES FOR ONE TOUCH FROM HER CALLUSED FINGERS. SHE'S SO HOT EVEN MICS CAN'T STOP THEMSELVES FROM GETTING SOME HEAT FROM HER SUGAR LIPS. SHE MAKES ALL THE BEST JOKES AND I ADORE HER EVEN WHEN SHE ACCUSES ME OF BEING AN ALIEN CAST AWAY ADOPTEE. I ADORE HER EVEN WHEN I DON'T MAKE HER FEEL PRETTY. BECAUSE SHE IS HILARIOUS AND SMART AND MAKES GOOD (ALBEIT NOT AT FIRST) MIXTAPES. also she puts up with my teasing like a champ. or a chump, or a chimp, but does it with style. also she has very good style and pulls off ridiculous mismatched outfits and make them look completely rad.
we've spent all morning listening to the shins and trying to make coffee and arguing over whether we sucked last night or what. personally, i can't tell, i wish i could have been in the audience.
today i will be getting panera lunch and fucking around in campustown before heading to planned parenthood to, i think, continue working on a gender studies workshop. after which i must go to the IMC for a shows and steering meeting. i am not looking forward to the steering meeting in the slightest, it will be tumulous and heated and i'm not going to let myself get intimidated. that's not what a good advocate does, hear me scott?
i'm starting to think the incroyables sounds like seafood. |
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| you know how we do |
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| 11:21am 02/01/2005 |
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mood: cramps music: the cramps-rock on the moon
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the lowdown on new years:
a good night all in all.
earlier in the day i had gotten a HUGE GIANT needle stuck through my face and a barbell put in the hole. (the marilyn looks great, i'll post pictures later) so by the time it was party time, i was hopped up on aspirin and mouth wash. bri and i showed up to MIA setting up and mingled and grabbed drinks. there were maybe 4 punk kids MIA had brought with them at first, until like 15 kids showed up and suddenly it was all mohawkey and stretch jeany. i started sucking back beer until my face no longer hurt.
then some asshole starts pouring beer all over everyone in the audience and gets kicked out. most of the kids leave in solidarity and it's all very dramatic. MIA played a great set.
then i'm all a-bubbly and dancing to the dj's rockin it. bri and i were the best dancers out there, anyone else could try and be as awesome as we were, but they would fail miserably. it's true. ask anyone.
so we're dancing dancing, ben even at some points, pitzl waters even, when zoe g grabs a beer from the mantel and takes a sip and passes it to me, i take a sip and pass it back cause that beer is rank! it tastes flat and gross. zoe doesn't hear me when i say "EWWW" and passes it to bri. bri doesn't take a sip, bri takes a swig and immediately makes the funniest face ever. she spends the next half hour curled up and pukey because she has just swallowed a cigarette butt.
the rest of the party ensues and is all good. at the end of the night we first go to zoe's and then go to the 405 instead. make food, fall asleep. i wake up to the sounds of vomiting and spend the whole day in bed.
it was awesome.
but since seeing the nashville footage, i totally wish i was at their party!
the skinny on my new pierce:
piercings aren't supposed to bleed. but mine did. it bled and bled and crusted and got really fucking gross. blood-spurting and such. it also made me a botox lady cause it hurt to make facial expressions.
OUR FIRST SHOW IS ON WEDNESDAY
zoe g, me, bri, ben=the incroyables
w/ i object and help me help me i can't breathe. it's going to be fucking rad.
the red herring 8pm, $5 all ages
to do:
finish lyric book
consent workshop
practice at 7 |
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| 01:51pm 01/01/2005 |
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religion is weird
verse 1:
kiss the pope
take another swig of jesus
what're you some fucking heathen?
look it's buddha, he's a real cool dude now.
reincarnation and occasional starvation.
chorus:
religion is just kinda weird
it looks like what we feared,
atheists you should be wary,
country's looking pretty scary.
fundamentalists came prepared,
making everybody scared
what happened to separation of church and state?
instead it's just, church and hate!
verse 2:
the christian coalition is on a god sent mission
to further their religion, and other archaic superstitions
they won't STOP STOP STOP
till they've swallowed this country WHOLE WHOLE WHOLE
it's the election that they STOLE STOLE STOLE
their moral impression is causing a depression,
it's time to give them a history lesson!
chorus
verse 3:
new agers with their crystals, a whole fist full
this one is patience and this one means integrity,
fuck that shit!
get down nitty gritty, real life isn't always pretty.
if you can't handle or you can't deal,
no new age can help you heal
put your bible on the shelf and start learning how to help your self!
we need to move past more than prayer, spread this doctrine everywhere
self reliance and community health is much better for the common wealth.
chorus
they won't STOP STOP STOP
till they've swallowed this country WHOLE WHOLE WHOLE
it's the election that they STOLE STOLE STOLE |
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| a ticket to anywhere |
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| 04:36pm 27/12/2004 |
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i look for resovoir dogs, but can't find it. so i return to doing what i've been doing all day, which is nothing. because i can't find the initiative to do anything else.
if i can put things in perspective, maybe then i could discern how i was feeling. but instead i feel mostly kind of washed out, transitioning. no matter what happens, in the end it'll make sense. supposedly. JQ's tarot reading would say so. if siuations had gone according to plan, i'd be in nashville. i'd be doing something else. maybe breaking up there.
but instead i did that here and put an end to a year. a week before new years, it seems almost fitting. a friend of mine once said that fall was the beginning, because it took death for things to start anew. in this past year, so many things have changed and i like the ways in which they've changed. but now i want to change again. it takes a lot of strength to let things change, and more to set them into it.
i keep questioning, did i make the right decision? is it one of those decisions where you think you have two choices, but there's the hidden third one that you cannot see because you don't want to?
i remember driving back from miami beach, with your hand resting on my shoulder. this kid we'd picked up sitting next to you. we were all wet, except ivo, from swimming in the ocean, underneath the stars. after two days of police vs protesters. that day had culminated in free massages and dumpstered fruit from the really really free market. i felt happy, and free. and those were what i was.
if all that i've gained from my love for you is memories, maybe that's all i need.
but i feel no dislike or hatred for you, i feel full of love and compassion. is it hypocritical to state that i have nothing but love for you, when i also feel like i have fallen out of being in love with you? should i let you know that? i don't know the best way to approach this post break up situation, because i've never been in it before. i don't know what's appropriate to say to you, what not to say. for once the figurative distance lines up with the literal distance between us and is in the same place, while we are not in the same space.
maybe i should feel lucky, i don't have to see you around town, watch you with someone else. maybe that would be easier, i could begin to view you soley as a friend and not a lover. or maybe in time this will all work itself out, and we will be as we should be.
almost unreal, at one point i thought that i would never be apart from you. not for a very long time. apparently that long time lasted up until christmas evening. it snowed, and i finally got the words to say what i felt. so i did. and now here we are, at the end. or maybe, as someone once said to me, the beginning. |
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| 02:51pm 14/12/2004 |
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this essay is such bullshit. i don't know my goals. i don't know how this class fits in with them. i want to learn. |
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lost_not_forgot's journal
